Rubybleu

Dr. Sarita Shrestha and Women’s Health Clinic

2010-04-10T03:57:00.004+09:00

Rubybleu Foundation is currently raising funds for an Ayurvedic women’s health clinic in Nepal. Ayurvedic medicine is a traditional healing system which uses herbs, yoga and massage for preventing disease, supporting the body and treating illness. In 2003, Dr. Sarita was the first recipient of Rubybleu Foundation, a 501(c)3 non-profit that supports women and children in India and Nepal. Other projects include scholarships for girls and microloans in South India. More information is found at: www.rubybleu.blogspot.com

Dr. Sarita Shrestha has been practicing and teaching Ayurvedic medicine for over twenty years. She is also a Western trained physician specializing in Ob/Gyn and combines the two methods in her diagnosis and treatment of patients. Dr. Sarita was featured in David Crow’s book, In Search of the Medicine Buddha and continues to teach at Mount Madonna in California.

The Ayurvedic health clinic in Nepal is accessible to six surrounding villages and supports over six hundred patients. The clinic has a staff of three doctors, two birth assistants and a pharmacist. Everyone is treated, even if patients are unable to pay. The clinic provides basic care for sickness such as flu, coughs, and infection. They primarily use natural, Ayurvedic herbs for treatment and some Western medicine. The clinic also provides an invaluable resource for the women, who often have minimal support or understanding about women’s issues regarding birth and proper healthcare. Counseling is one of the goals of the clinic, along with yoga and meditation. Through Dr. Sarita’s direction, local farmers are growing and harvesting Ayurvedic herbs used to produce natural medicines. The clinic also hosts herbal and Yoga workshops and camps to promote awareness for natural healing, Yoga and massage.

Donations will provide further support for the health clinic by: enabling the expansion of the herbal garden and farming for Ayurvedic medicine, support the creation of herbal, Yoga and natural birth workshops and allow the clinic to buy needed medicinal supplies.

For more information, see www.saritashresta.org You may also contact Katalin directly at katalinkoda@yahoo.com

blue mango tree

2008-11-03T03:33:00.000+09:00

i sit under the blue mango tree

indigo night sparkles with children’s laughter

quoting dylan red wine breath the morning after

i remember how he sang to me,

‘to dance beneath the diamond sky with one hand waving free’

it’s a poem, this moment

this moon glow on it’s way, waning.

it’s a poem, this breath, diamond sent

power seeping earth, mixing heaven scent.

a crystal glance suspended, hanging,

twanging and changing

this poem, this moment

undone, unbroken, unspent

i sit under this blue mango tree

india’s red roots growing deep into rock

as the ladies drink chai, and sing their day’s talk

legs draped over cool cement, casually

baby swings high, screaming sublime glee

i sit under this blue mango tree

electricity’s gone, the dark soft falling ‘round

the moment hangs like the cluster mango i found

shy woman’s brown eyes flashing asunder

calling the faint clouded thunder

Vespers

2008-03-14T06:03:00.004+09:00

Vespers: the evening service of divine office, recited before dark

I’ve landed in Bangkok again, exactly four weeks after my last trip here, this time with my family. Leon turned to me upon arrival, love pouring out of his eyes and remarked, “Wow, you look beautiful. You look dusky.” And that is exactly how I feel: dusky, of the vespers; the word that I used when I sat with dear friends of Varkala, on the wet roof of sweet Rubybleu House one last time, in hot pink India candlelight, the word I described myself in this Moment: Vespertine

Vespertine (besides Bjork’s best album ever) is a term used in the life sciences to indicate something of, relating to, or occurring in the evening. Etymologically it is related to Vespers, which is a term in astronomy that refers to Venus in the night sky. And religiously, it is that special Catholic mass given at dusk, at the time when night is coming on and the beauty of day is drifting out toward the quieter time of night.

So, the Vespers are where I sit, in the smoky violet of endings, of spiraling out and away. We have left the lovely ‘gem of a guesthouse,’ our dear Rubybleu House, a bit earlier than expected, and are on to something new, moving into unknown futures, uncharted waters. A few months ago I could ‘see’ in the mind’s eye, the quiet part of me that has undisturbed inner vision, a purply smoky silver cloud hovering sometime over mid-march. I had no idea why I was seeing this nice but seemingly meaninless image, until I stood in my empty studio, lilac walls glowing in the early morning, smoke rising from the fires across the red brown and gold soil, my eye catching the long red lane for the thousandth, yet last time. I was saying goodbye to the space I have spent the last five years making art, practicing healing and connecting with Spirit and Earth timeless mornings, evenings and nights. Saying goodbye in mid-march, an unexpected and somewhat abrupt departure from our beloved India.

We knew that we would be leaving Rubybleu House due to the return of the house owner and so we’ve been preparing for several months to leave. I had a shamanic healing session in the early part of the season with dear friend Amina that called upon Jaguar, the archetype of the West, of endings and deaths, to assist me with this time. I reclaimed the fearsome Black Panther of my childhood, reforming the frightening image into one of strength, power, beauty. A power animal that is a window into the Void, a guide for the unseen. For me he is a traveler into normally unknowable futures, able to reclaim those seeds of the misty tomorrows. He has helped steady me in turbulent times, the reminder that things are not as they seem, especially during dark, unfriendly moments when the Goddess presents herself akin to Kali: fierce, dark, mysterious and laughing in hysterics at all our well-intended plans.

It’s all too perfect that I now prepare to call in Jaguar, the archetype of the second chakra, on this full moon in the continued work of the Munay-Ki. I was initiated by Amina into the nine Incan rites a few weeks ago and began the process last full moon by calling in and honoring the South, the Serpent archetype of the Root Chakra. Thus began the intense process of dealing with the reality of the First Chakra: survival, home, fear, grounding and the connectedness to Earth. Thus the journey of leaving our home, packing, literally shedding the skin of the past, as Serpent does, was more than just synchronistic! I laughingly joked with Amina saying maybe she better warn her future initiates, that when you call in Serpent, you may be getting more than you bargain for!

So now we rest for a moment in Bangkok on this day of Oestre, the time of Rebirth, before traipsing, gypsy style, with our bags of summery clothes and poi and angel wings to descend America in the cold spring, excited to watch the unfolding of garden beauty in the West. And this full moon, tomorrow evening, I’ll call the Jaguar of the West to honor the emotions that undulate in waves through my Sacral Chakra. And it is oddly perfect that as I do this we also prepare to move to Sunset Lane near Hartford, Connecticut to and spend the time in the Vespers of my Grandfather’s long life and the changes that are happening to him.

I’ll miss Rubybleu House and it’s golden sunlight streaming from the West through the palm fronds, the Tibetan prayer flags fluttering, the garden shimmering delightfully. I’ll miss the varied travelers traipsing through our garden spinning their wild, wondrous India tales and remarking on the various states of the World. I’ll miss the studio and all the healings it witnessed, the writing that was accomplished there, the art that unfolded. I’ll miss the roof and the moon dances held there, the star bound travelers sleeping and dreaming, the sacred spaces that were held to honor the solstice, the four directions, the elements.

I’ve also put up a small photo album online and you can check out

http://www.kodakgallery.com/I.jsp?c=gn7o7ny.ps0b1fy&x=0&y=su144y

to see some of the images of Rubybleu House and Gardens over the last five years.

Take care all of you dear ones,

From the Vespers,

Katalin

Untitled

2008-02-20T21:50:00.019+09:00

I have no idea what to title this blog as so much has happened (or not happened) or shifted or changed or fallen apart or rearranged since the last time I wrote, its hard to know where to begin telling the latest stories of Katalin: Artist, Earthkeeper, DreamTime Sister, Gypsy Mama. I am filled with the whirl and wonder and wisdoms of so much, and feel simultaneously light and open and fiery and chaotic, as if two sticks are rubbing in my heart, causing sparks to fly, newness is growing and I’m almost trembling, wondering what will happen as the golden sheen breaks out across the diamond skies. So, I call this one Untitled, appropriately, and leave it all open, nameless, undone so to speak.

Right now, this Wednesday afternoon, I’m sitting in my sister’s lovely new apartment in Bangkok, Thailand, the late afternoon sun starting to glow in the newly bought palms inspired to finally write another blog entry, after months of retreat away from this online journaling that connects me in with my dear community of family, spirit brothers and sisters, other dancers and weavers, artists and storytellers, vision makers and dreamers.

Two things inspired me to write this: firstly, leaving India this time, taking a short, one week vacation to Bangkok to visit my sister and mom has me feeling all achy and longing. I think I’ve fallen (even more) deeply in love with the Goddess that is India and she’s starting to work around the most ancient parts of my Self or selves, being as multidimensional that I am. Is this even possible? Last time I returned, my last blog entry, which was an amazing six months ago (can it really have been that long!?!), I felt great Mother India’s gentle loving arms reach up from the earth, through the cracked concrete of New Delhi to embrace me. I felt like I was coming Home. Not just the place I dwell, or the house we’ve made into Rubybleu House and painted turquoise and garnet. Not just the place where my daughter was born, her placenta buried under the palm in Kerala’s iron red soil. Not just the place where I have discovered more about who or what I am than any other place on Earth…in fact I’ve been exploring these questions so much, that I now have even less idea of who or what I am and some notion of walking the path moment to moment. But more on that later.

I was coming Home to where the Earth meets the Sky in the crazy jumble of humanity, where the smells of Life and Death smack you in the face and you can’t pretend it doesn’t exist. Where spiritual Masters reside in special, quiet ashrams or communities, or in Himalayan caves and the Goddess is still revered. I have been coming to India for over seven years now and she is so deep in my blood, that for the first time I miss her upon leaving. Instead of the normal relief of escaping the madness, the chaos, the filth and the poverty for a while…somehow it doesn’t matter anymore and I know it’s not India that has changed.

The second thing that inspired me is my sister and her ‘fiancé’s’ decision to not have a wedding. The gathering of family that transpired last night with the frank discussion of planning a giant U.S. wedding from Bangkok was very beautiful. They decided that since they are already married, to forgo all the intensity of planning this huge event and spending thousands of dollars and simply celebrate their love daily. The look of relief on Carmen and Esan’s faces was priceless. I swear Esan became a year younger. This photo is of them enraptured by their decision to spend all the time and love on creating wondrous lives for themselves instead of one special day. I realize what a non-conformist, cultural rule breaker I am when I noticed how joyous I felt over their conscious decision to not get sucked into the fairytale wedding nonsense that seems to have overtaken America.

And I ask myself, so who has changed? What has changed? From the outside looking in, it’s clear that there are big shifts happening. Our dear Rubybleu House is being reclaimed by the owners and we will have to relocate next year. Where and in what way that will happen remains to be seen. We will certainly move to a house somewhere on Varkala cliff, maybe set back a little. But do I dare to say ‘certain’ when almost every person I know who’s made big life plans this year are all coming tumbling down? It seems the Goddess is having a great laugh this month, watching as dear friends are parting ways after years of relationships, businesses failing or changing form, weddings coming undone, and expectations are falling to pieces. It’s exciting!

I am almost done with my rewrite of the Reiki Warrior book, now titled The Sacred Art of Reiki: Healing as a Spiritual Discipline. Llewellyn Books plans to have it out December of this year, 2008, so you can really look for my book in your local bookstore! This is a huge step for me, a contract as a soon-to-be published author and I plan to continue writing and writing and writing. I went off to Karuna Farm (check out http://www.karunafarm.in/) to work on the rewrite and reveled in fresh clear air, the misty mountains, time spent alone. Time to write and contemplate and do my practice is so nourishing that I smile just thinking about it. I went through a few months, after meeting Karmapa, and coming back to Varkala descending into caterpillar stage, curled up and quiet, even amidst the sparkling madness of Season Time. I came back from Karuna revitalized and joyous, so much so that since then I’ve been dancing, making fires on the moonlit beach, playing guitar furiously, writing poems, learning Neil Young songs (yes I’m finally branching out from Dylan).

I’ve also been connecting in with the sisters of Varkala and relating our stories of mayhem breaking loose in plans and relationships. Five of us, all struggling with our men, got together for Valentine’s Day and made collage, reclaiming a bit of continuity, in spiraling womyn style. Trying to gain clarity and open our heart’s to the growth and intensity that happens as we change as humans traversing the Earth journey.

Rubybleu Foundation has received an influx of support and we wish to thank you deeply for that. We will continue our scholarship program as the best and most sustainable work we can do with the funds we have. Some Varkala dwellers from England volunteered this year as well. Clare and Sabrina worked with training the women in making bracelets and Lucy began showing them basic computer skills. Our treasurer, Jasmine Tabisaura, is planning to come for a visit in May. Look for the upcoming information at http://www.rubybleu.org/

Yoko is growing fast, dancing more, singing songs and riding the waves in, letting herself tumble and splash about, kicking her legs furiously. Ocean child…ocean child… She is getting browner in the sun and she has tiger eyes that give a hint of Mogly from the Jungle Book. Her Malayalam is improving by attending a local school and speaking with the children. She is going with her dear friend Luis and enjoying making art, playing on the swings and the challenge of group social dynamics.

I breathe in the sultry night of purply, wild Bangkok air and wonder about the future, but try not to think in terms of plans. The Goddess is teaching me well and I dance the moment, buy fire poi and sticks, striped socks and sparkling cloth for circus March in Varkala: come and sit with us by the fire on the moonlit beach, ocean crashing, while the drum of Mother Earth's heart beats on and fires sing through the night, just celebrating the turning of this precious earth and mysterious wondrous Life.

Now that my sister has canceled the summer wedding, the days are open again and who knows what adventures lay await for us! All I know is that change awaits, hovering, every moment, every sparkling second...this ever unfolding Journey.

Take care all of you and remember ………. All you need is LOVE, LOVE, LOVE…

katalin

2007-09-02T18:22:00.001+09:00

Roots and Remembrances

I know it’s been many months since I last posted a blog but the time seems just to swirl on by and before I know it, so many days have passed. I am now in McLeod Ganj, home of the Dalai Lama, the compassionate King of Tibet who lives here in exile, welcomed by India fifty some years ago. The last time I walked these paths was four years ago, when I grieved for a lost daughter and planned our wedding in Nepal. And before that, it was seven years ago when I studied Tai Chi and went to the Dalai Lama’s teachings. And now, the passing of days becomes suns rising over moons and setting over suns again. I watch my daughter grow in wonderment, prepare for more teachings from the Dalai Lama, note the quietness that grows steadily within and settle down to a cup of tea as the rain pours away in the brilliant monsoon green Himalaya mountains.

Before leaving Varkala in June, I had a Reiki session with one of my students. As a gifted and intuitive man, on the healer’s path, I relaxed deeply into the session while he focused the treatment on my left leg and foot. They had been hurting, partly from too many hours spent over Reiki clients, barefoot on concrete, passing Reiki for hours from January to May. Aaah, the paradox of healing…heal thyself, heal thyself I tell my students over and over, as the primary motto for Being a Healer. Afterwards, he and I talked about my foot and he mentioned to me, ‘Well you are returning to your roots, after all,’ meaning the east coast of the U.S. But I dismissed this idea, as I have been returning to Maryland every year to visit family and friends. But, funnily enough, this time WAS different and certainly a return to my roots, roots of many colors and many depths.

We arrived in Maryland the weekend of Leon’s father’s funeral. Leon’s father, Don French, received two purple hearts for his bravery in the Second World War and we attended a special ceremony at the Arlington Cemetery where both he and Leon’s mother were laid to rest. The day was hot and bright as we heard the 21 gun salute and the haunting sound of taps wind its way over the most honorable place of burial in the US. A lovely night was spent with the French family, telling stories, giving gifts, drinking wine and reminiscing on those who walk the earth and retire, their stories left in the hearts among the living.

This summer was a time of deep rest for me, as I was so busy last season at the Rubybleu House, hosting travelers, giving Reiki sessions and teaching. I spent most of my time with my family, almost in a kind of hibernation, resting and rejuvenating.

And I reconnected with family and friends in a way I haven’t done for years. My sister came back to plan her wedding and we hung out in Maryland together. The last time we were together in our parent’s home was six years ago. I also saw one of my cousin’s after eight years and even reconnected with old friends from high school. It really was an unexpected return to the roots, a time to celebrate my lovely family and friends from a decade before. It is remarkable how people can come back into our lives and grace us with new gifts, spontaneous joys and old memories.

Yoko had a fabulous time with her grandparents, Uncle Paul, Aunt Carmen and dear cousins. One of the highlights was certainly the Harry Potter Ball which was held at the local bookstore to hype the final release of the last Harry Potter book. I decided to dress Yoko up in Beth’s old witch hat and cape, made by Mom/Jane/Nana and still shining blue. Pointed hat atop all that wild blonde hair an adorable Indian dress was too much cuteness for the crowd and she ended up being crowned Queen of the Harry Potter Ball! This landed us fourth instead of three-hundredth in line to buy the book. And the seventh installment is well worth the read, let me tell you!

I also took a lovely workshop, an introductory exploration of shamanism where we journeyed the deeper, rooted connection to the Earth. Through drumming, working with power animals and dancing we discovered the interconnectedness of ancient traditions. The workshop, taught by Dana Cougar Robinson, is from Michael Harner’s Foundation of Shamanic Studies and well worth looking into. My experiences of journeying were profound and provided me with deep insights into my earth adventure. Check out http://www.fss.org/ for more info.

This summer was also a time to nourish the roots that have been formed by Rubybleu House and Rubybleu Foundation. We are gearing up for next season:

So now, as I settle down to write my Reiki Warrior book, I find myself still remembering the past of these familiar misty mountain paths. I revisit the Dalai Lama’s temple but carry new wisdom of the Kalachakra (wheel of time) vision that came to me some months ago. I reminisce about old
friends, special Dharma connections and the profound wisdom teachings that come from the Buddha.

I smile deeply because sharing this place with Yoko was very special for Leon and I. She was enchanted by the ‘froggies’ (the fog) coming into the mountains, the monks in their red robes who to her are all the Dalai Lama, the sound of the long Tibetan horns blowing in mid-morning, the flames that burn constantly in the temple, the gold statues glittering with gems, simultaneously symbolizing illusion and wisdom, spinning the red prayer wheels, watching the prayer flags flutter their prayers to the sky. Yes, we do love this path of Dharma and continue to water the seeds of Love and Light in little Yoko and ourselves. So, the ‘froggies’ are coming in…and I begin my month of quiet writer’s retreat of solitude, while Yoko
and Leon head back to Rubybleu house.

Hope to see you all there this season!

Until next time,

Katalin

2007-04-26T12:16:00.001+09:00

Impermanence

These past days I have been reacquainting myself with the basic concepts of the Buddha Dharma. One of the main teachings is the mediation on Death and Impermanence. In light of the recent death of Leon’s father as well as the intense tragedy of Virginia Tech, my contemplation has been compounded with the reality of how precious Life really is. And life is so precious only because we die, because our bodies, our selves are walking this earth for such a short time, because nothing lasts forever and impermanence is the true nature of the Universe.

I am blessed in a way, in the paradox of Blessings, having experienced cancer at nineteen and a baby death at twenty-six because the stark reality of Death and Impermanence stood in front of me, shining truth onto my face. This is a Blessing because having not only understood and realized the concept of death, I have experienced it as well. And, from these experiences I have taken the wisdom of imbuing the moment, every moment, with the sacred awareness of Being. In other words, I try not to waste time. Each day I make an effort not to spend the moments of my life worrying or fretting or unnecessarily analyzing and judging. Instead I concentrate on cultivating compassion and dedicating each day to healing and helping others to ease their suffering. And, of course, I count my blessings and enjoy the beauty of this world. I celebrate my life through art, poetry, dance and openness and provide a space for others to do the same.

The afternoon is shimmering in our magical, tropical garden. As I breathe, write these words, contemplate Death, I am struck, not by the horror of tragedy but by the suffering of those who have inflicted the horror. The suffering and fear that may come as one passes from this realm into the next is something to be thought about, dealt with care and compassion. And yet, I know that life indeed emerges from the ashes, that rebirth is one of the most powerful forces in the universe.

An old and dear friend of mine, Janel Beckham, Virginia Tech Alumnus is also honoring the power of rebirth by dedicating her time to honor those who have suffered in the tragic loss. She is compiling a special project called Resignation and Bloom: Words for Hope and Healing, an edited collection of creative writing, essays and images which will be presented as a gift of hope to the Department of English during the weekend of May 12, 2007 during Virginia Tech’s commencement festivities.

Please visit http://www.resignationandbloom.com/ to find out more about this incredible project, submit poetry and artwork and donate funds.

I am always struck by the beauty of people coming together to honor those who have passed on. This summer we will be showing our respect for Leon’s father in Arlington Cemetery in Washington D.C. His mother will be buried alongside in a special ceremony for war veterans.

And, as some things pass, others continue to grow. Rubybleu Foundation is proud to announce we have enough funds to give three scholarships for children to attend higher education next year. Also, with the welcome help of Sabrina Davis, a social worker from England, we have begun development for a Volunteer Program in concert with the Sister Mercy Education and Resource Center just near Trivandrum, Kerala. Stay connected to http://www.rubybleu.org/ to find out how you can come and volunteer in India to teach English, assist women’s groups and work with Free Trade.

Leon, Yoko and I will be visiting the States June 15th through July 24th. We will be in the Maryland, Washington D.C. area for most of the time and in the Bay Area of California June 20th to 28th. I will be teaching Reiki Warrior: First Degree Reiki in San Francisco and Columbia Maryland.

In the meantime, the garden, the Reiki, the Yoga, the beach, the sun, the mystical chants of India’s dawn seed our soul and allow us to Be more deeply, to honor the precious Life and remember that every breath is sacred.

Till next time,
Peace,
Katalin

2007-02-06T23:22:00.002+09:00

The past two and a half months feel like they’ve streamed by in a colorful, magical blur. A month after Yoko’s birthday, we held our annual Winter Solstice gathering where burning my fears and stating my intentions loud and clear to the Universe seems to have worked quite well.

January was a wonderful time with Mom/Nana visiting from the U.S. and Carmen and Esan from Thailand. We all had a great time hanging out in Varkala, enjoying the beach, the cliff food and our LOVE party. Leon and I said our vows again, wearing our wedding clothes, adorned with jasmine and marigolds. We honored Carmen and Esan’s engagement with Mom between us, holding a clear space for Carmen and I and our great loves.

Of course, the extraordinary highlight of the whole trip was the weekend visit to the Maldives. Yoko still talks about the airplane to the Maldives and all the fish. After a hair raising boat ride across open ocean water, I felt blessed to be swimming along magnificent coral atolls, witnessing not only hundreds of colored fish, but two sea turtles and a few eagle spotted rays! Seeing those soft, flying beauties winging their way through the deep indigo water really made my heart soar.

Other news is that the site www.matadortravel.com has just launched which connects unique travelers from all over the world. I will be publishing articles about people in India so check it out and use it to hook up with travelers, writers, artists, visionaries.

The Rubybleu Foundation is pleased to announce that Gigi, our first scholarship recipient is doing very well in her college education. We met with her during Christmas break and are happy to see her moving forward in her schooling. We hope to continue support for her as well as giving two more scholarships next year.

The season is flying by and I’m meeting such wonderful people this year, healers, artists, dancers, writers and others who are dedicating themselves to building a community in Varkala. The flavor of this village is diversifying and growing each year and I wholeheartedly welcome you all to come and partake in the beauty of living by the sea and in the magick that is India.

Much love and light,
Katalin

2006-11-23T17:23:00.001+09:00

Create…Dance…Laugh…Love

The season has begun in our lovely little village of Varkala. We are still waiting for the rains to stop though, as the monsoons have been pushed back a few weeks, which is good for the farmers, bad for the beach. Still, the air is swirling and whirling with some kind of magic as new, creative people join our small village adding bright ideas, color and change.

Yoko is now two and fast becoming a little girl. She had an excellent birthday party with friends and babies and games and two piñatas. We had a cake and a candle and billions of mutai (Malayalam for candy). She is really growing up in a wonderful world with the nature all around, international friends and her own little private garden fairyland.

Rubybleu Foundation has two new web pages up including the information about the last fundraiser in Oakland and my gratitude to all involved.
http://www.rubybleu.org/events/08122006.html

We are excited to announce that we gave one full year scholarship for college to a poor but extremely bright girl from a poverty stricken fishing village near Trivandrum. Her story can be found at
http://www.rubybleu.org/projects/gigi.html

We are also working to raise money to support her second year, a cost of only $250 USD. Other students also need scholarships. These are smart, bright children who have a desire to help their village grow into modern times, as fishing traditions wane. I feel very excited about giving scholarships to these young people of Bimapalli and would encourage you to contribute in your own way. These children have the emotional support and need such little financial effort to continue their schooling. The tuition center is also in dire need of library books, resource materials and computers so donations will be used for this as well.

We are also looking for more ways in which Westerns can volunteer here in India. We have a great connection with the fishing village and several young women work there who would like to learn more English and handicrafts. If anyone has any wish to volunteer for one to three months, please contact us and we can set up a program for you.

As Rubybleu’s birth—death anniversary approaches, Leon and I are looking to ways to help the Foundation grow. We, like most small non-profits, struggle with fundraising and are working on ideas that will help to bring in more money from this side of the world. We are also finding that as Yoko grows, as Rubybleu House grows, so does our busy life and we work to balance all of our projects in a meaningful and effective way.

In the meantime, I’ve finished Slade, finally! I printed out a few copies for reading, sent it off to publishers and am looking to do some small self-publishing as well. I am also now writing for an online zine called http://www.matadortravel.com/ This site will be up for public viewing in the next month. And I’m learning guitar, which is great fun. I can play a few songs, and am trying to do my best interpretation of a female Bob Dylan. We look forward to my mom, sister and her boyfriend for a visit and all kinds of friends and travelers on the Magical Mystery Tour.

Love to all and peace from swirly-whirly India,
Katalin

2006-09-14T12:43:00.001+09:00

Returns

Months have passed since I last shared with you from my corner of the globe with all of you but I am starting to really feel like my corner is more like a spacious network in continuous shift. Ironically, the last time I wrote about the idea of ‘bloom where you are planted,’ then proceeded to take off from our sweet little home in Varkala, traveling to Bangkok, Thailand, California, Maryland, Connecticut, New York City, Florida, Las Vegas and back on through California and Bangkok. I felt like a whirlwind to say the least, like a dandelion mama scattering her seed pods across the lands yet, all the while my heart remained centered and open. I enjoyed seeing family and friends all over the country but the highlights were: Manhattan at four in the morning with an old friend and Italian coffee, playing in a New England rose garden with the oldest and youngest of my family: Yoko and her great- Grandpa, seeing Yoko with her cousins, meeting Leon’s entire family in Vegas, visiting with my relaxed and retired parents in a quiet Floridian town and, the best of all, watching Yoko go crazy for Blue Man Group. It was quite a summer of abundance and Love and connectedness.

Throughout my travels, my psychic roots in Varkala remained strong and I am enjoying sinking them back into the red, soft earth letting myself slow down and Flow. We spent our return happily enjoying two gorgeous weeks of bright sun, clear weather and Onam festivities. Onam is the time when the great Kerala king, Mahabali, returns in joy to celebrate his precious land of abundance: miles of coconuts, full rivers, lush fruits and glittering gold. In his honor all Keralites, Hindus, Christians and Muslims alike, light huge oil lamps decorated with sweet smelling jasmine, make lovely flower mandalas called attam on the streets and in front of their homes, and spend hundreds of Rupees on new clothes. It reminds me a little of Christmas: the return of a king, big feasts and yummy sweets, mad shopping and no work for a week. Leon, Yoko and I spent the days walking around the neighborhoods and checking out the lovely attam designs (akin to viewing Christmas lights I think), eating delicious South Indian food at friend’s homes and unpacking our Western treats from all our suitcases that we managed to lug across the globe.

Rubybleu House is looking beautiful, having been well kept by a friend over the summer monsoon months. Hundreds of passion fruit have sprung up, huge, sweet yellowy fruits unique to our garden. The rest of the garden was lush and jungly and Leon had to spend a few days hacking it back and clearing the paths so Yoko can run along her own private fairyland once again (naked, of course). She loves the garden, walking with her cane, playing tea party and building sand castles in the backyard.

Since our August fundraiser, the rubybleu foundation has given its first scholarship to a young woman from a very poor fishing village. Gigi, born to an unwed mother, has managed to fight the overpowering culture of poverty and oppression and rise above her situation. At the top of her class, she was accepted to an excellent college just 40 kilometers north of Varkala. We provided the tuition necessary to complete the first year of schooling and hope to continue giving her the support to finish her Bachelor of Science degree. I am very excited to be supporting a young woman who has such a bright future and has already overcome so much. The article about Gigi and the Centre which we are connected with will be online next week at www.rubybleu.org/projects

In the meantime, I’ve turned thirty and as a friend says, welcome to the Power Years. I had a lovely, quiet birthday celebration on my friend’s rooftop café. And a few days ago I rented a room, or part-time office, on the South Cliff of Varkala (as opposed to the North Cliff where our house is), at the Golden Beach Resort. This time on the South Cliff, which is very quiet, windy and has a true panorama view of the sea, is also a break from the intensity of Babytime all summer long which, as all you mama’s know, only makes the work of Motherhood that much more enriching.

Take care and hope to see more of you on this corner of our shrinking Earth….Peace,
Katalin

2006-05-27T12:27:00.001+09:00

Bloom where you’re planted…

I remember my mother saying to me, years ago, how she was moved by a sermon at her church that one should ‘bloom where you are planted.’ Those words keep surfacing in my mind these past days, after returning to my lush home in Kerala, arriving to the beginning of gusty, green monsoons, returning home from my adventures in south India.

After Yoko weaned herself around fifteen months, I felt ready to take off to east India to visit the eclectic and creative community of Auroville. There I met the curious Aurovillian people while studying Liquid Flow, a water therapy combination of Watsu and Aqua Wellness. (Check out http://www.waba.edu/ ) Those two weeks were the hottest in Varkala and luckily I missed them, spending eight or ten hours a day in a pool of water floating people effortlessly and gently stretching their body. The feeling is extraordinary, like being in the womb again, surrendering to the flow of water. I recommend everyone gets at least one session in their life!

After coming home, Leon , Yoko and I went off to Kodaikanal to visit Nevil on his organic Karuna farm (see http://www.karunafarm.org/) where, although it was breathtaking, we all got sick, Yoko was endlessly bored, calling out her little friend’s name in a feverish dream state. ‘Papu…Papu…’ Well, we cut that trip short but did enjoy the incredible ride back from Kodai, through the gorgeous green Western ghats or mountains of Kerala. They are covered in tea plantations and spice gardens, rolling for miles in misty beauty. We arrived back and I headed to Sivananda for a few days to stretch my body and reclaim some Yoga which I have been neglecting in the wake of Life with Baby.

Somehow, on these journeys, I was trying out previous held dreams, letting go of plans, experiencing new ideas and reforming my dreams. I had an excellent season this past year, one of magick and abundance, joy and learning and I feel so strongly to more fully embrace living here and allow the future to unfold as it may. I truly enjoyed teaching Reiki and adding the ten-day chakra workshop to my classes which was a journey in itself. I love watching Yoko learn at an extraordinary rate, now walking and running, playing and dancing, speaking both English and Malayalam.

I met two remarkable teachers this year as well. Aisha Rose, the shaman from England taught shamanic journeying and tracking on the roof of Rubybleu House as well as doing some personal work with me. (Check out her website at http://www.11-11.org.uk/) My personal reading and subsequent soul retrieval culminated in a painting I did called “Soul Retrieval and the Bear-Cat” (see left) which illuminates the story of my adventure into my subconscious. During the soul retrieval process, Aisha journeyed to my past, a piece connected with Rubybleu and blew it back into me. It was very intense and highly visual and I did indeed feel changed, felt my power returning to me. I feel I am able to more deeply share my power with love.

The other teacher I met, Swami Isa, is heading up a school in Trivandrum that promotes wholeness within children including yoga and mediation in their daily activities. He is an incredibly clear and bright being, with an intense vision. He works extensively with practices that help to illuminate how one’s external world reflects the internal. I feel blessed to have met him and exchanged words with him about the world and spirituality. (His website is http://www.isalayam.com/ … yes, even Swamis have websites these days!)

I also met some amazing women who have some wondrous visions to help others. We have posted the work of Dr. Lodon (check out www.rubybleu.org/projects.html) and more projects will be up this summer including school sponsorship for children to continue higher education and work with autistic children. We will be having a fundraiser for rubybleu foundation in Oakland, California on August 12th called Art in the Alley so we look forward to seeing friends there, old and new.

Even though we’re off to adventures in Thailand and the States, we will be returning for more years to come in Kerala. Thus, ‘bloom where you’re planted’ feels like an appropriate message for me now. Allowing myself to grow in the midst of the beauty that I live in instead of consistently dreaming of far away worlds has become imperative for living in a peaceful state. This is inevitable for all of us, to dream and plan different futures, but I am coming into more awareness about how unnecessary this activity is. Instead, I am bring more consciousness into the Now and not caring so much if the house is messy, if paintings are left undone, if my Slade novel takes another two, three or even ten years to finish. To simply allow the magickal matrix of life to spin its effervescent web through my days, to catch hold of strands which harbor different essences that connect me to my body, my thoughts, my emotions, the people and things and activities of my life, ever witnessing them, but no longer reigning them in.

Gary Snyder says the best way to help the environment is to stay put and learn the local bio-region. The more time we spend here, the more intricately involved I become with our natural environment. I gaze at the lush trees of mangoes, jackfruit, banana, coconut, papaya, the almond and cashew trees, the local moringa whose leaves I ate while breastfeeding, the tulsi or sacred Basil bush used to aid coughs. In our garden the local coriander and chilies grow alongside Leon’s intensely lush tropical plants that burst forth with brilliant flowers which Yoko and I pick as flower offerings in the mornings. Watching the year turn in tropical India, the windy kite season that gives way to the heavy hot days of April and May just before the pounding, ultra-green months of monsoons, that wash the land anew. Then cooler days of October come around with their brilliant sunsets and the short monsoon that blows in prior to our high season of fresh breezes, warm sun and an incredible beach that draws people from all over the world. As I eat the plants from this land, drink the water from the sacred Shiva spring that pours out of the red cliffs, I feel an intense joy in my connection to this part of the world and realize that, truly, I am able to bloom where I am planted, that indeed, I am Home.

2006-03-29T06:11:00.000+09:00

in the eyes of the Goddess Yoko and Saraswati

I am sitting, watching Dr. Lodon’s soft face crinkle, then smooth, and crinkle again as she excitedly points out her homeland in east Tibet. Her dream is to build a place of peace for the elderly so that they may rest in the last years of their life. And as I sit here, in her quiet acupuncture office, the green and purple wisteria dripping outside the window, the hot sultry sun beckoning outside in golden pools, I am becoming inspired. I can feel the enthusiasm surging between her and I, as her passion inflames me, moving me into the fury of taking action. This is what I love most, as a woman on earth today, hearing the stories of woman, writing them, painting them, in essence, giving them a VOICE. Each woman I meet who has this spark, a desire to help, a vision to change the world is harboring something ancient and potent and powerful, a whisper of beauty and change that is growing louder every day. I realize, sitting with Dr. Lodon, and thinking of the other special women I have met this past season that, indeed, I am becoming more present in the eyes of the Goddess.
Durga: fierce Mother Goddess

Luckily I live in India where the Goddess has been residing, worshipped and honored for thousands of years. Even amidst India’s cultural history of female oppression, the Goddess still reigns supreme here. And now that Indian women are on the rise, they are fueled by the power of the Goddess and her image: a multi-armed mother, creator, dancer, destroyer, giving and taking power as needed, dancing wildly with the ebb and flow of the moon cycles, manifesting the cosmos, the universe, and the world in a myriad of ways. She, Goddess, is Shakti, the fiery energy of creativity, Saraswati, the soft doe-eyed poet, Kali, the fierce slayer of Maya and all her illusions. As women become more educated and empowered, they are using their awareness to emulate the Goddess to force change, to become multitasking, beautiful, strong people who are not only daughters, mothers and wives, but also artists, architects, company owners, role-models and visionaries.

This season I have been blessed with the company of some seriously cool women. Nalini Nayek, originally from Bangalore and now living in nearby Trivandrum, has inspired us to dig deeper for projects to fund using rubybleu foundation. She is a woman of action, giving her time and energy to both SEWA (Self-Employed Women’s Association) and the local fishing communities. Check out a passionate article written about Nalini at www.changemakers.net/journal/98october/sharma.cfm and http://www.sewa.org/ for more information.

Another inspiration, newly-made friend and fellow global villager is Penny Roy Fellbrich who spent a couple months here at rubybleu house. She spent her time studying chakras and Reiki with me, building her website with unique photos and skipping around, touching many with her lovely smile, distinctive creativity and of course, those curls! I’ll never forget sitting on my rooftop celebrating the new moon with a sister, another priestess as we called out our intentions into the dark night. Visit her new website http://www.with-my-heart-on-duty.com/ and http://www.spiralmuse.org/ to get a taste of Penny’s wacky and wondrous visions.

One of the most inspiring women I met in the past year is Aisha Rose, a magickal shaman from England. Not only is she a Goddess in her own right, she was a brilliant teacher for me, giving me tips on the path which I am now treading in a bigger way: the path of teacher, healer and spiritual reader. She has been doing this kind of work for the past thirty years and studied with two of the most knowledgeable shamans, Albert Villoldo (http://www.thefourwinds.com/) and Hungarian shaman, Joska Soos who is also an amazing painter http://www.soul-guidance.com/houseofthesun/biojoska.htm. Spending time with Aisha, participating in her shamanic workshops on the roof of rubybleu house, and doing a soul retrieval was the highlight of the season for me. I do feel changed, more whole, more connected and full of power than ever before. Visit Aisha and her work at http://www.11-11.org.uk/

And finally, Dr. Lodon, the Tibetan woman with the vision, is another woman I got into closer contact with this year. Last year she treated me for vertigo and really helped to stabilize and comfort me through one of the darker times in my life. She is a gifted healer and is inspiring me to push harder with rubybleu foundation, to give her vision a form. Her story and project will be up very soon on http://www.rubybleu.org/projects

And of course, for all the rest of you goddesses that I consistently love and adore, more power to you! Thank you for supporting and encouraging me and being strong women yelling your stories loud.

Take care all you goddesses and supporters of goddesses...

Peace, katalin

The most common way people give up their power is by thinking they don't have any.

Alice Walker

2005-12-31T19:11:00.001+09:00

Transformation

The year is closing in on us and I am feeling the yellowy fires of transformation moving its rhythmic breath through my days. I have been spending time cultivating my personal power, listening intently within and learning ever more how the external really does reflect the internal journey. As I write this, sitting in the printer’s shop, patiently waiting for my new cards to come up glossy and colorful, outside hundreds of local people stream past decked in brilliant, neon yellow in festive gaiety for the annual Sivagiri festival which indeed reflects my thoughts on fire, transformation, wisdom and intellect. Sivagiri lived in Varkala in the late 1800’s to early 1900’s and was a spiritual guru as well as a teacher, social worker, and gifted poet. The ashram here is dedicated to his life and teachings. So every year the locals dress themselves in the brilliant color of wisdom, the brightest yellow you can imagine, and walk happily for two days of speeches, dance and song.

Leon, Yoko and I held our own small celebration in honor of Winter Solstice, or Yule, to honor the return of the Sun King, when the Goddess gives birth to the God and light comes back into our lives. Of course, living so very close to the equator, this light shift is quite subtle. We celebrate the dry winds, ‘kite season,’ that are blowing in so sweetly now, finally drying out the remnants of month’s old mold and dampness. After lighting twenty oil lamps at sundown, we said simple affirmations for ourselves and our future as Yoko watched the lamps flicker with delight.

And everything is indeed changing: Yoko is walking and talking now, signing many words with her baby sign language, growling at her gorilla picture, barking at dogs. She has a lot to say and is increasingly more communicative and ever bright in her social chatter and expressions to the world. She loves to dance, to sing, to chant with me as I invoke the Goddess and the elements, to hug trees, to run and play with her friends next door, to scribble on papers, eat crayons and be naked (a free spirit blows strong). There are many babies and children around this year, both locals and tourist families who set up camp at the popular Juice Shack where the parents can hang around and gossip at the latest scandals that inevitably happen between such a sexually repressed society as India and wild women from the west, while drinking their yummy ice coffees and watermelon lassis.

The cliff is also changing, so fast now. In the last year we’ve seen twenty or so guesthouses spring up like mushrooms many with fancy marble interiors, pools and specialty Ayurvedic health services. The shops and restaurants are doubling in size, expanding to two stories and becoming permanent fixtures on the cliff. And so of course, the clientele is shifting then—the days of hippie backpackers are turning into richer European families on holiday (for the dark northern winter months at least). But with the development comes people who want to stick around for a while and some of them very interesting: more healers, more artists, more people with kids, more creative energy flowing through the red, dusty back lanes of Varkala cliff. Now, Rubybleu guest house is full of people, full of music and Reiki, laughter and Eno sounds drifting through the garden which has taken on a whole new level in its patterns of plants that Leon spends so much time with.

We are breathing new fire into the depleted sails of the rubybleu foundation as we have found some new projects to support. We visited the Balavihar School for children, most with cerebral palsy, and plan to donate money for beds and beddings which is one of their basic needs. Unfortunately families here, especially poor ones, are unable to financially and emotionally care for their disabled children and instead send them to places like Balavihar where the children are looked after by local women who are paid next to nothing. The school we visited houses twenty-seven children in three small rooms with almost nothing to stimulate or activate their minds or bodies. They are moving to a larger space and hope to receive money from the local government to expand the now basic classes. I was really moved by the poor conditions of the children’s home and hope to find a way to increase funds they receive so that these children are given more of a chance to expand their minds. I will be writing up a full article with Subhash, the social worker who is monitoring the project.

We have also come into contact with a woman who works for SEWA (Self-Employed Women’s Association) and she has given us some information regarding a school for older children from poor local fishing communities. The students are gifted kids who lack funds to acquire the skills needed to pass higher examinations that will enable them to enter the work force as adults. The school is in need of funds for the next year to continue and we will be visiting and possibly donating some money. Check in with www.rubybleu.org for more details in the near future or if you would like to donate money to these causes or others.

Meanwhile, I’ve finally started painting again after giving over of body and soul to little Yoko for the past year. I’m starting larger works, still obsessed with the female form but also branching out into impressionistic paintings of the ocean and chakra mandalas. I am also writing when I have time amidst my Reiki sessions and teaching which is really blossoming. This year I will be teaching my first ten day chakra course with another Yoga teacher, Asa Nystrom from Sweden which I expect will be a wondrous journey through the creative doors of spirit in human form using the chakras as our tool and guide. I plan to do another with Asa next season as well and will keep you all updated.

So tonight is the new moon and the new year coming in and I will celebrate alone, on the roof, quiet in the dark starry sky and reflect on this rush of power and light that is pouring into my life. My mediations have become more focused, more devoid of thought. I am contemplating the transcendence of duality, the power of process, learning how to subtly work with my own internal power. I feel I’ve become more patient in cultivating the Witness, the part of me that simply watches Life unfold without attaching emotionally, yet this is such a hard practice and ever more subtle. Tantra has been finding its way more into my life, the Indian philosophy and practice of using ritual to imbue form with spirit that, in many ways, parallels my Wicca practice. I have been leading Goddess rituals, acting as a priestess (although I have yet to be actually initiated as one) by invoking the elements, honoring the moons and opening myself to the divine Feminine and all her guises: wise and wicked, wondrous and wild.

And so to all of you dear people in my life, as we change and shift, transcend and grow I do hope your days are dusted with light and love this coming year, that you may feel your inner powers grow strong, that you too may shed whatever bears it’s unnecessary weight, so that you may dance and laugh and live as you are meant to: as a free spirit!

Love and joy to all of you,
Peace, katalin

2005-10-06T23:40:00.002+09:00

Kali Ma . New Moon Ritual

2005-10-06T13:07:00.001+09:00

Rubybleu House ... Varkala

2005-10-06T00:04:00.001+09:00

New Moon, New Days

I celebrated the new moon with four other women last night, a time of turning within under a moonless sky. We honored the dark goddess Kali, the goddess of destruction. Fierce and bloodthirsty she dances the dance of mayhem and death, striking fear into the hearts of mortals. Yet, those who honor her and her ancient wisdom know that with endings comes rebirth, that life always follows death. Her devotees do not suffer her wrath but instead become like children to her and receive any wishes one asks for.

We honored the moon’s dark beauty by cleansing our feet with sea water, rose water and lavender oil, symbolically washing away the dark grime of doubt and fear. We burned our negative thoughts and obstacles and reclaimed our own beauty as women on this Earth in a world that is still so weighed down by the imbalance of patriarchy. Sending love to ourselves, to honor our sacred voice within, we put our wishes into seeds of the blue clitoris vine and red flame flower so that our bright intentions may manifest. The women I shared this night with are from all over the globe choosing to make their home here in Varkala. Far from the land we might call home, we are in a place that honors the goddess, yet abuses the feminine which empowers me to further my work as woman, as priestess, as mother, as founder of the rubybleu foundation.

With my seeds I am intending a season of joy, of creative connection with all different kinds of people, a season of dance and celebration and abundance. The Rubybleu House is coming together, gearing up for another season of travelers and students, learning and sharing. After being trashed by uncaring cement workers, the garden is recovering and reclaiming its harmonious glow that sends surreal waves of peace across any who take a moment to walk its tiny, curvy paths and listen to the world of green laughter. Yoko is participating whole heartedly in the garden’s growth, digging up soil with her Papa, taking her first cautious steps toward the plants and splashing frenetically in the fish pond.

The rubybleu foundation will be working on different projects this coming season as well. We are planning to help with a school for mentally challenged children and would like to reconnect with the women’s self-help groups from last year. I am starting up the art class again and hope to encourage more children to join in. We will be continuing our work with painting and crafts and adding new projects like jewelry making.

Leon and I are excited to be hosting people from the States who want to get involved with the women and children of India. One project idea uses digital cameras as a way to enable Indian women use of modern technology for employment as well as a creative voice. Others have strong interest in creative arts and want to use their talents to provide children a chance to express themselves through art, dance and yoga.

After a long, restful time with my mom and Yoko this summer in the States, I am ready to embrace the coming season with many ideas and creative energy. Being with Yoko, watching her gift each person that comes into her life with a smile of pure radiance, lifting her arms to the sky in such wondrous joy, I am in awe of this tiny being who came from me and is able to teach me so much. I am learning to share more of myself with others, to open my heart even further and to speak my truth with more confidence than ever before. I hope to see lots of you this season!

Much love to you all!
Katalin Koda
www.rubybleu.org

2005-03-31T22:17:00.002+09:00

Horizon’s Edge

Spring Equinox has come and gone, when the day and night hang together in equal balance and the sun shines directly over the Earth’s equator. This day Wiccans honor Ishtar, the Goddess of all Goddesses, opener of the womb, the Lightbringer who is thought by some to be the forbearer of today’s Christian Easter. Whether that is true or not, it is a time of balance between the light and dark as well as a time of play as Spring makes her soft way into the world again. Persephone returns from the underworld, eggs hatch new life, infants begin to run on sturdy legs.

Fittingly, Leon, Yoko and I flew to the Maldives on the Equinox, a small country that hovers on the equator. It consists of up to 12,000 tiny islands that group together to form 29 spectacular coral atolls. Long ago ancient volcanic mountains sunk into the sea as coral grew up around the mountain leaving behind magnificent coconut tree islands surrounded by brilliant white coral sand beaches, sparkling aqua water and, just beyond, the deep indigo sea. Their main economy is tourism and fish. Only two hundred of the islands are inhabited by local Maldivians and several uninhabited ones have fancy resorts that cost anywhere from 90 to 4000 dollars a night.

We spent a week waiting for Yoko’s five year India visa in the more affordable capital, Male which is only one kilometer long and two kilometers wide! The people are one hundred percent Muslim, having been converted by seafarers many hundreds of years ago. Although this tiny capital is in the middle of nowhere, it is still quite modern—more so than even our quaint, backwater capital of Kerala! At the equator the satellite dishes point straight up and the heat is tolerable because of constant ocean breezes.

We also spent two days on a tiny island called Kura Bandos, once a resort and now a picnic park for Maldivian youngsters. I was able to snorkel to my heart’s content, one of my favorite things to do in the entire world and it was the best I’ve seen so far. I circumvented the tiny island alongside the edge of the coral reef where the bright aqua shallow coral meets the deep dark indigo sea. There I saw hundreds of fish of every color imaginable: purple and yellow stripes, red smears, black and white polka dots, fluorescent pinks and greens. The angelfish, the wrasse, the Moorish idol crunched away on tasty gorgeous corals all against a backdrop of the blue abyss beyond. It was thrilling, delightful and a bit scary—the mind imagines so much when it is confronted with the blank blue of the void. That beauty, that intensity reminded me of the Goddess and her cosmic womb, the egg of Ishtar herself laden with possibility and the unknown. I was invigorated by the experience.

The week was our long overdue honeymoon with dear Yoko alongside. She grew so much this week: knows her name, rolls this way and that across the bed, chortles in delight, kicks in the water and communicates very clearly her delights and distastes. Her hair is starting to come in, her long legs stretch out across the bed, her fingers tapping playfully on our faces. What leaps babies take in the first few months of life!

I have written so little since giving birth to Yoko as my mind seems to have softened, become more like a smeared abstraction of poetic phrases. Like Yoko I am entranced with the interplay of color, light and form but even more so then before as I watch and experience the world through her delicate baby eyes. She is teaching me the power of Now and striding carefully from moment to moment allowing Life to grace us with subtle pleasures and powerful moods.

The first two months of Yoko’s life were quite a challenge. Breastfeeding wore me to the bone with its mental stresses, emotional swings and physical pain. I had sore nipples for weeks on end, she seemed to never want to stop feeding and I found very few people besides Leon to talk with about these hardships. It seems that breastfeeding is thought to be natural, easy and innate but I found it most certainly a learned technique that required an immense amount of time, patience and endurance. The Dalai Lama’s poem “Never Give Up” hangs in the room where I feed Yoko and those words have gotten me through many a night.

As my nipples healed and feeding became easier and more enjoyable, I was confronted with a serious bout of vertigo that lasted for about two months. That in itself was extremely trying but spending all my time with a tiny infant was excruciating at moments. Surrender was the word, once again and ultimately the ounces of patience that I gained since Yoko’s birth helped me to surf the bouts of dizziness that kept me from writing, emailing, cooking and doing yoga. Even watching television was hard at times. But I, we, managed and I am ever thankful for Leon’s endless, vast love and support that anchors me through my myriad of turbulent adventures. And now—I’m so much better! Of course in retrospect I can see all the lessons learned, the wisdoms gained and it’s easy to say that which doesn’t kill me makes me stronger, but I never want to spin like that again!

Being Mother

And I am Mother, Mama to little Yoko and it is quite a journey. I wanted to write about it in this mail to you all but am finding it hard to pinpoint words as it is such a vast undertaking, a powerful state of being and yet so natural, so utterly dependent on the subtleties of understanding simple human nature while applying it within this complex world. I feel so completely different yet so utterly the same, as if the very notion of me, myself has been stripped away to reveal the raw, quivering nakedness of endless, archaic love that wells up inside as I hold Yoko, absorb her lovebeams from her light green eyes, am spellbound by her devotion, frantic at her cries, overjoyed by her laughter. It is a love so rich, so real, so pure that it makes me feel all jumbly inside just to think of my own Mother reverberating those feelings inside of her, back and back through my blood to hers, and back and back to my grandmothers and back and back, all those women, those women pouring their wisdom through gentle hands, caressing cares and drying tears, patting bums and telling stories as the generations spin onward and outward across the world. It makes me shudder with the immenseness of it all, makes me tremble at the deprivation of honor that still exists for motherhood today, makes me quiver with rapt, fierce determination to honor those women who have come before me, my mother who has guided me and all those who continue to commit to motherhood in the future. So, there it is, my best shot at the beginnings of expressing this powerful state of motherhood, this gift of a daughter who guides even the darkest parts of my soul which feel they are coming forward in humbled awareness.

And So On…

Our little family continues to make plans. This summer, during our monsoon time, we will be heading to Kodaikanal up in the mountains for Yoga and Reiki retreats in July and August. The weather is gorgeous in the hills that time of year and I’m excited to teach Reiki and Yoga on a lovely organic coffee farm on 22 acres, a rushing waterfall and dense ancient forest. If you or anyone you know will be coming to India this summer and is interested in learning from me, let me know. Also, I’ll be teaching a variety of workshops including Reiki, Chakra System, Moon Magic and Tarot next season (starting October 2005) at a friend’s retreat center, Yasmin India. See the attachments and http://www.yasminindia.com/ for more details.

The rubybleu foundation is on slow burn at the moment as we are seeking new projects this summer. Unfortunately the micro loan did not succeed due to our first recipient becoming seriously ill and using the money for hospital bills instead of a replenishing, sustainable business. Micro loans are hard to maintain and although I felt we gave it our best shot, it wasn’t the best way to utilize our funds. I’ve decided to spend this summer interviewing five local women in Varkala of various standing on what they want, how they want their lives to change. I’ve realized that looking to the women themselves is the best way to come up with some new ideas and projects. I will be writing the commentary based on the information I glean concerning women’s issues and their worldview and what changes they and their daughters face in coming Westernization and globalization.

The rubybleu house is looking all the more lovely as the garden climbs high into the sky now with Leon’s passion fruit vines spiraling up and up. Last December we had a lovely Winter Solstice celebration with a giant nest, many candles and fierce intentions and we will plan another one this year. A bigger nest with more lovely people I hope to spread their joy and love and wisdom across the Universe. I’m inviting you all to come on over and experience the beauty of Varkala, the magick of India and the power of Now.

I love you all!
Keep smiling and dancing for me across this wide and gorgeous Earth.

Peace, Katalin

a poem

2005-03-09T00:30:00.002+09:00

yoko smiles

effervescence hinges the high notes
while dreamy eyes blink
slow light
as fishes float lilac blue;

vermillion wonder flashing
fierce mother-Love through my fatal heart,
piercing the
foggy, breathless dreams.

i hold her softness with
careful memory:
golden glowing baubles,
aquatic gestures, when!

a sudden beam
smashes bittersweet tears
into the ache of Time
(a dilated sigh)

she, my yoko, smiles!

slipping silvery sands
cross my round belly,
over moony breasts;

through the untouched guise
i drift on the magick spell
of yoko’s newborn eyes.

katalin december, 2004

Surrender: The Birth Journey of Yoko Mojave Lotus

2004-12-05T17:59:00.002+09:00

The following story is in three parts, as I felt compelled to write the long version of Yoko’s birth in context of having lost a baby two years before her birth, a ten week miscarriage just months before I found out was pregnant with Yoko and my current life abroad, in southern India. This is a extensive story so if you are only interested in the birth story, skip down to Emergence.

Blue Flame

March, 2004 I was back in the States, visiting family and friends, sorting out the rubybleu foundation details and fervently rewriting my latest version of SLADE. But that day, sitting at my friend’s apartment in Brooklyn was unworkable as my head throbbed from martinis the night before. I suddenly decided to call Kaiser (my health insurance) to find out the results of a pregnancy test that I had done in California. I was certain it was negative, having done two home tests in Varkala, India that read negative, but was concerned because I had missed a period.

I called. The results were positive! Joy bolted through my cells like lightning which was immediately followed by a wave of fear that clamped down around my uterus. The dark beauty of Rubybleu and her sweet, red face loomed in my mind’s eye, the baby daughter who had died only 38 hours after birth. A year and a half had passed since her coming and going. Although the sadness had certainly faded, I was anxious and afraid having lost Ruby as well as having had a miscarriage only a few months prior. Yet I fiercely wanted another child and the excitement again coursed through me as I put my hands on my womb, trying to relax the tightening muscles that ached to hold the baby deep inside. I felt the new spirit was certainly a boy as I watched a clear blue flame emanating from my womb. I breathed deeply trying to ease the anxiousness, allowing myself to wonder about this new soul that would come in the fall.

During the miscarriage the past October 2003, I had a mystical vision while under anesthetics which profoundly warmed my soul. I was visited by our son who took me on a journey to where he came from. We entered a magical place that reminded me of the realm of the demigods as described in Tibetan Buddhism’s wheel of samsara. The sun was setting glorious golden saffron, the light spilling warm across red sandstone pillars and deep aqua pools of light. The Being, our son, showed us the pools where at the bottom were white lotuses with baby heads coming out of them. He said, “This is where special babies come before they are born on Earth,” then smiled and took my hand, continuing, “don’t worry, you’ll be pregnant again soon.” Then he pointed out and away from the pools and remarked, “Those are your children.” I looked into the distance, my line of vision following his finger, and could barely make out two shadowy figures swirling in the mist. I could not see their faces.

As Leon and I stood together in awe of such a glorious place, I was overcome with the sense that everything was okay, that ALL IS AS IT SHOULD BE, which was to become my mantra over the months ahead. A woman, or female Being approached us then and held out a silver platter, motioning for me to accept it. I lifted the cover and found a small, caramel in the center. “Go on,” she said, “eat it.” As soon as I took the soft sweet into my mouth, I began to awake, out of the dream, back into this reality. The fan in the Indian health clinic slowly whirred above me as I tried to distinguish where I was and where I had gone. Did I truly have some special vision or was it just a dream? Oddly, Leon passed out into a deep sleep in the clinic, as I was under the anesthetics. Did he truly accompany me on my travel to this realm? Regardless of whether it was a real place or not, I did awake from the D&C with the most amazing sense of peace, joy and calm within. I knew that the Little Prince, as we nicknamed that soul who left us early on, was fine, and again, all is as it should be. I healed almost instantly. Leon and my friends were mystified by the peaceful glow that emanated from me for the next several days. It was such a deep feeling that I felt almost no sorrow at losing the Little Prince and allowed myself to surrender to whatever magicks were at work.

A few months went by and sure enough, there I was, pregnant again! Excited by the new knowledge, I made my way back to Maryland, then California and finally, home to dear Leon and our house in the soft, warm tropical South India. And so the journey of being pregnant, giving birth in India began.

India Born

Upon my arrival back to southern India, I began to think about what birth in India meant. Knowing that seventy percent of Indians still live in villages, I assumed that most of the women today still have home birth, as they have for thousands of years. In fact, oftentimes, home birth assistants in America base their ideas on some of the wise practices done in India regarding birth. I too wanted another homebirth, after Rubybleu’s birth went well and I was so happy to stay home for labor. Yet, at the same time, I was unattached to this next birth, wanting even more a baby that lived. Originally Leon and I had hoped that Lucero would attend the birth, the midwife who delivered Rubybleu. Lucero would love to come to India but Life intervened, literally, and she found herself pregnant while I was still visiting in the States. She was just a few weeks behind me so that made it impossible for her to journey here for my birth.

Back in Varkala I had a vague notion of having a homebirth but couldn’t seem to find out too much about it in Kerala. I wanted to get checked out every month and began seeing an OB/Gyn at one of the best hospitals in the state called KIMS (Kerala Institute of Medical Science). The hospital is 45 minutes away from us and has all the latest technology, is very clean and appeared to be the best idea for the coming birth. The doctor seemed gentle and had a great command of English which is important considering I would be birthing in a place where the nurses speak little to no English and the culture is vastly different from my own.

At the time, the single most important part of the birth for me was having other people there for just after our baby was born. Although I sincerely believe that Rubybleu had her own life and death which was perfect and aligned in universal harmony, a part of me still continued to wonder if Leon and I had had more help with her, maybe she wouldn’t have flown away so quickly. Alone two days after birth was so hard for us with a newborn who could not stop crying. Certainly, looking back, something was awry. There’s no way to know for sure what happened that moment with Ruby, but I did know for certain that I wanted loving people around me for my next birth. While I was still in America, I invited my mother to come for a visit. My sister, who lives in Malaysia, also agreed to come as it is fairly easy for her to hop over to India on a five hour flight.

As Leon and I continued to visit KIMS I had to accept certain factors that would determine the outcome of my birth. I would have to labor in a large room with other women, which was directly connected to the delivery room. The rooms were sterile and fluorescent, clean but harsh. I would be required to deliver in stirrups and could only have one person in the room with me. But this was a huge advantage, I was to learn later, as most hospitals allow no one in the birth room besides the doctor and nurses. We got our second ultrasound scan at KIMS of our precious little one and were overjoyed by the distinct picture of a minute, perfect little hand reaching up within the dark embryonic void of the womb.

Still, little, nagging thoughts began to pervade my thoughts which I tried to push out of my mind. I remembered Lucero mentioning that I should be able to have the birth that I want. What was the birth that I wanted? I wanted a gentle birth, a clear birth. Yet, surely wasn’t this baby’s health the most important thing as opposed to my birth and what I wanted? Still, wasn’t this the baby’s birth as well as my own? What of this myth that babies are safer in the hospital? Western medicine hadn’t rescued Ruby and we were at one of the best children’s hospitals in California. These penetrating questions and ideas began to surface more frequently as I continued to work with the deep fear of losing another child that refused to abate even as my pregnancy continued perfectly. In my confusion, Leon was wonderful, supporting all of my thoughts and assuaging my fears with his trust in the deep love that exists between us.

I have researched the benefits of homebirth extensively. I have given birth at home and witnessed my first daughter coming out of my body while I squatted, her head face up, eyes peering into mine as she emerged. I was determined, suddenly, to listen to those niggling voices inside and began to intend the birth that I wanted, not the one that I ‘should have’ or ‘what’s best for the baby.’ I truly believe that what is best for the baby is a clear, focused mother who is listening to her deepest, most powerful feelings that will affect the birth and thus the baby which can possibly have a profound impact on the life of the incoming child.

I began to do daily meditations during my yoga practice asking myself what kind of birth I wanted. I intended a home birth that would be quick and easy and gentle, somehow, although birth is never gentle. I intended the perfect birth assistant(s) and Leon supporting me as he had done with Ruby. I also intended a friend, a woman friend who I could at least speak with passionately about birth and pregnancy. I had been without a close friend around for a few months and was feeling lost and vulnerable as the baby continued to grow. Without any sense of community or support I wondered how on earth I would possibly be able to have the birth I wanted.

Days passed. I researched midwives in Kerala. Where are the midwives? I cried to Leon, realizing that literally no women give birth at home in Kerala anymore, due to the Communist government which has made cheap hospital care a priority. This is a blessing for Indian women. Today, Keralan women see home birth as uncivilized where the hospital is clean and safer. Indian homebirth has often resulted in the birthing mother and infant death due to lack of sanitation and access to any medical supplies. Homebirth in the west is just not the same as it is in traditional villages. It is much safer because it has taken ancient traditions and updated them with highly skilled midwives using modern conveniences. Still, I couldn’t believe that no Keralan women had homebirth! The only women I met who had homebirth are the grandmother’s generation and women from other states in India. Turns out that homebirth is pretty much extinct these days. I felt hopeless at finding a midwife, or anyone who could reasonably help us deliver our child at home.

Then we met Sassa. I had seen a woman walking past our house occasionally with brilliant red henna hair, a sweet but intense look on her face as she walked to and from the cliffside. Leon and I sat having lunch in town one day and she happened to be sitting across from us. Suddenly, Leon turned to her and asked, “Are you a midwife?” Sassa put down her chai, smiled and said, “Funny you should ask. Why, are you guys pregnant?” I nodded and said, “Six months,” Sassa’s face lit up the conversation continued. She was from Canada and, as is turned out, had assisted several home and hospital births as a doula as well as birthing seven of own children, five of them were unassisted homebirths, with no other help than her husband! I was amazed and inspired by this knowledge. Unassisted home births are births that are not attended by any doctor or midwife, but may certainly be assisted with friends and birth assistants, like Sassa. I had been reading unassisted birth stories online but it seemed like a long shot, something that only the bravest women who had already had several babies were capable of.

Sassa went with us to KIMS. Leon and I tried to explain to the doctor how we wanted our birth to be. We told her we wanted it as natural as possible with no episiotomy, no painkillers, no vacuum and certainly no Cesarean. She seemed vague in response to our requests. As the conversation continued, it became clear that she induces almost all of her patients. This shocked me. Not even in the west does this happen. I later learned that Indian women are given a due date (which is arbitrary at best—based on the first day of your last menses—I couldn’t even remember my dates) and once the due date passes, if the woman hasn’t already been induced, then she will be within the next few days. No one in this area, or probably all of Kerala, waits the allowed two weeks that is common practice in the States. We walked out of KIMS that day with the overpowering realization that this doctor would probably try to interfere as much as possible with the birth process. She seemed to have no sense of natural birth and what that is. I began to wonder if she had seen very many natural births if up to eighty percent of her patients are induced.

I decided to make a much closer hospital as our backup and talked extensively with Sassa about her assisting the birth. She was confident she could do it. We arranged to make an exchange where I gave her Reiki I and II degrees and she would assist our birth. My dear friend Melissa, whom I met four years before in Ladakh, arrived around this time and the next weeks were spent in joyous female companionship, collecting the things we needed for a homebirth and my continued visualizations and intentions. In October, I taught both Sassa and Melissa Reiki II together and the three of us spent three powerful days working with the deeper elements of spirit and body. Through this I continued to practice the art of surrender and overcame much of my fear of losing this baby, listening to the spirit of my new child who undulated watery wisdoms from within. One of the meditations that we did together was to send Reiki energy to the birth. The three of sat, holding space and sending our intention for an easy, clear birth in the golden purply Reiki light across time. That moment is forever etched in my mind, as the energy of those few minutes certainly leapt the days and months to the time of birth when the three of us and Leon would come together to welcome Mojave into the world in that same room, with that same wondrous, pure-hearted blessing.

I continued my prenatal checks at the nearby Mangala hospital. The doctor seemed alright up until the nearing of the due date. When Leon and I questioned the need for a scan two weeks before I was due, the doctor and her assistant became extremely agitated, as if we had threatened their authority. I was not against the scan, but merely wondered why it was needed. They said there could be many problems, that my baby’s life could be in danger, using Ruby’s death as a reason to induce early. At one point, the doctor stood up, shook her finger at me and said “Maybe you need a Cesarean!” The fact that she was considering a Cesarean at that point alarmed me. Couldn’t she see how healthy I was? Didn’t she hear me when I told her over and over again that Ruby’s birth was fine? But fear resounded that afternoon and I began to see how we, as women, are taught to fear our bodies, to fear birth, to fear the very act which unites us all as human beings. How odd that in the land of the Goddess and the ancient tradition of Yoga, Indian women have even less access to body consciousness than the west. I could cry or scream or stamp my foot, but this is a cultural reality that stems back thousands of years. Instead, I had to turn that anger into passion and forge against the cultural tide of unnatural, accepted hospital birth.

We got the scan and, true to my feeling, everything was fine and normal. I left that day feeling sick to my stomach remembering the doctor’s words, the veiled threats regarding the health of my baby. I fervently hoped I would not have to go to the hospital, that all would come through with Sassa. I now knew that episiotomies are routine here and Cesareans are extremely common. In fact, every single local woman I spoke with has had almost all of her children born by Cesarean. It seems to be the most common operation happening in Kerala! I was again shocked by this knowledge until I realized that the doctors make twice as much money from these operations and Indian women do not necessarily regard Cesarean as a bad thing. They are often told there is something wrong with them or the baby and they must have one because of several things: pelvis is too small, labor is too long, cord is around baby’s neck, gestational diabetes, baby is too big and so on. I won’t expand on the ludicrousness and/or the reality of some of these issues, but leave that up to the reader to research for him/herself.

My mother and sister arrived a week and a half before my due date. We finally had a name: Mojave, after the desert and I was sure I would call the baby this, as I was still sure it was a boy. I was also sure the baby would be born within the next three weeks, having my family there as well as dear friends from California. We all had a joyous time watching brilliant sunsets, cooking and eating good foods, laughing in the garden, giving and receiving healings and readings, but it was edged with certain anxiousness over the imminent birth. I worked through all the fears and doubts and affirmations that surrounded the birth, especially with my Mom and my sister Beth, so that their energy would be positively integrated with Mojave’s arrival. I also switched to another hospital for our backup, to a doctor that spoke better English and was at least willing to consider my notion of a natural birth. Still, she performs mostly Cesareans and induces everyone and was alarmed at the idea of waiting any amount of time past my date.

Yet, the due date passed, one week, then two. By this time I was doing everything I could to try and ‘naturally’ induce labor: walked and walked, took Black Cohosh, did more yoga, had a ‘talk’ with Mojave, walked some more, took homeopathic remedies, got acupuncture treatments, took more Cohosh, walked and walked. Nothing worked! That baby would come when he was good and ready. Before we knew it, the time of departure for everyone was upon us. With another bout of tears and emotional conversations, I had to surrender to the fact that everyone would most likely not be here for the birth as I had planned. I was frustrated by Mojave’s delayed entrance and becoming more anxious with the reality that I would very likely have to be induced if he didn’t pop out soon. I couldn’t bear to wait too long, as I knew that there are some possible risks to late babies. I took the time to recommit myself to an empowered birth, one that I hoped desperately would be guided by the parts of me, the spirit inside of me and my body, that felt with absolute truth that ALL IS AS IT SHOULD BE. But it was hard. Leon continued to support each and every feeling that coursed through me, to give me his advice, yet allow me to make the final decisions regarding my body, my health and the baby within. Still, those days felt like some of the hardest work in my life as my emotional and mental state continued to swing violently up and down, as I continued to surrender each and every hour, trusting over and over again in the timing of the universe, remembering wryly, to never plan a birth.

Emergence

Saturday afternoon and the Rubybleu house was quiet again. My friends left a few days before, on to visit the infamous guru Sai Baba and other Indian adventures. My mom and sister had just left the house, on their way to the airport with Leon, after many tears and a wistful goodbye. Everyone left, me still pregnant, hope still hovering faint as dragonfly wings. Melissa and I hung out in a café, sipping tea, watching the gray skies. I had decided with a certain amount of dread to induce that Monday, as I was now more than two weeks overdue. I prayed that the induction would work and the baby would come fast to avoid the likely Cesarean. Even after all my intentions, all my passion, I had reached a point where my desire to have my baby had finally become stronger than my fear of the hospital. I was willing to take the chance. It was time. Time for little Mojave to enter the world. In the meantime, I had a night and a day left and somehow, the anxiety had evaporated. I felt calm and still inside as Melissa and I spoke with irony at how everyone came for the birth and left with a different kind of experience altogether. How typically Indian!

Four hours after my mom and sister boarded a plane to Singapore, at one in the morning, I went into labor. I awoke feeling contractions but remained unconvinced as I had been having Braxton Hicks (can someone please rename those?) off and on for weeks. But these felt different—stronger and more urgent. I watched the time and found them coming every twelve minutes or so. Could it be? The hour went on and I found Leon was lying awake, unable to sleep. “I think I’m in labor,” I whispered delightedly to him. “It’s been regular contractions for a couple hours now.” Suddenly we were both wide awake, lights on. Even Goba, our dog who usually sleeps soundly all night, was pacing around the house with us. We rechecked the birth supplies and I took a shower. There was a scorpion on the desk which seemed a fitting symbol, the symbol of rebirth and light emerging from dark. The dark before the dawn had passed and Mojave’s journey into the world had finally begun.

I drifted back to sleep, only vaguely aware of the contractions that moved deeply within my body. I reminded myself that it would only get stronger, to get sleep, relax because it could be a long day. The next morning was brilliantly clear and sunny, a gorgeous breeze blowing green and gold through the palms. By eight o’clock, I was having contractions fifteen minutes apart. They had slowed down a bit because of the sleep. Leon had woken Melissa who came downstairs and excitedly made her coffee then went off for fresh spring water down at the beach. By the time she came back my contractions had jumped to seven minutes apart and Melissa went to fetch Sassa.

In the meantime, I rolled around on the bed and concentrated deeply on each contraction that rolled in, visualizing the vastness of space and stars and beauty. Sassa came in, checked the time of the contractions, which were five minutes apart by then and only a minute or so long. She made me eggs and I continued to roll about on the bed, trying to eat in between contractions. By eleven o’clock the pain was getting intense and I moved into the back room, the birth room which I had decorated carefully with paintings I had done during pregnancy, a Chenzerieg Tibetan thangka painting and a special birth altar for Mojave. I barely noticed these things now as the contractions began to come faster and harder, causing me to moan in pain. Thoughts like ‘why the hell am I doing this again’ flashed through my mind as I fought to ride each contraction like a wave at sea.

By now Sassa was giving me homeopathic remedies as needed and having me sip water with electrolytes from a straw. She began to coach my breathing which became the essential action that helped me through transition and birthing the baby. During Ruby’s birth I had gone deep into the contractions and used my moans and cries to give voice to each contraction. This time, using a deep cleansing breath at the beginning of each contraction, then panting through ‘o’ shaped lips and riding the contraction out with another cleansing breath made for an easier time. I was able to stay ‘above’ the contractions and concentrated fiercely on the breathing instead.

As I panted with each massive, painful wave, gripping Melissa and Leon on either side of me, Mojave began to journey down the birth canal. I felt like I was on some unbelievable trek, thinking to myself, Climbing the mountain, Climbing the mountain as I forced myself to stay with the breathing. The past months of daily yoga and meditation were certainly paying off as I was able to keep myself together. I was lying on the bed, unable to assume any other position because I needed the support under my back which had begun to ache fiercely. I felt extraordinarily clear between each contraction and could even comment on the pain, the wildness of the birth energy as Mojave spiraled down further.

Then the urge to push began to overwhelm me but Sassa warned me to hold back and keep breathing as much as possible. This way I would be less likely to tear. I did as she instructed but it was incredibly hard and finally let loose a wild moan, as Mojave moved down, opening me up so wide I thought I could explode. It felt as if the entire universe was moving through me—stars and planets and massive nebulae threatened to pour from my womb just as the water broke, exploding all over Sassa. I’ll never forget that moment when the yellowish liquid sprayed over her, just as Ruby’s had done on Leon, only minutes before birth.

Two more huge contractions and Mojave pushed ‘his’ way down into the mound of my vagina. I held back until it became absolutely unbearable, and then with a huge moan and cry of intense opening, I pushed ‘his’ head out. Sassa urged me to keep pushing and I took the last bit of strength I could muster, screamed the primordial birth energy from top to bottom and pushed the baby out. ‘He’ came out crying—but just a moment! All of my absolute certainty that this child was a boy melted away in amazement as Sassa placed my slippery, wet newborn YOKO, a beautiful little girl into my arms. I looked at Leon with all the love in my heart pouring forth, his eyes meeting mine in joy. He had been right the entire time! Leon would mock me throughout the pregnancy, determined that Mojave was girl and I would mock him back. So much for feminine intuition.

ALL IS AS IT SHOULD BE. Yoko cried with the woeful melancholic beauty that accompanies the new human’s emergence into the world. She was perfect from head to toe and seemingly quite clear as she rooted for my nipple. Sassa used the herbs that were sent by friends helped stem the bleeding and to encourage the placenta to come out. She cut the cord so that it would be easier to manage with Yoko, even though we had wanted to wait for the placenta. Funny, as I watched her clamp the goldish colored cord and cut, peering through her glasses, I realized the vision I had held for the birth for months. Yoko had come quickly, easily and as gently as I could imagine birth to be. I was so blessed to have been able to deliver my baby in my own home, with dear Leon and friends to greet Yoko’s entry, the softness of home filling the space. I recalled the Reiki meditation that Sassa, Melissa and I had shared just months before and felt the perfection that manifested in Yoko’s birth. There seemed to be a surreal kind of bluish glow inside me and all around as Yoko took in her first few breaths that sunny, Sunday afternoon. The placenta followed a half hour later and I was intrigued by the enormity of it, having missed out on delivering mine with Rubybleu. We buried it under a Paradise palm a few days later, sitting with Yoko Mojave Lotus Koda and her first visit to the garden. Leon and I were at peace, baby in my arms, a true balm to the wound of losing Rubybleu two years before.

And the Days Go By…

Yoko is two weeks old now as we all settle into one another’s existence. I am breastfeeding her and that seems to be her all time favorite activity for the moment. When she is quiet and alert I read her my favorite children’s book BIP and Leon is introducing her to his complex musical taste. It was a bit harrowing the first week, adjusting to each other, trying to heal and sleep from birth and waiting for my milk which took a full six days to come in. My body healed much more quickly this time, as I’ve been able to rest and lay around while Leon does all the diapers, takes Yoko when she’s crying too much, and runs the guesthouse. I honestly wonder what I would do without him! We are so lucky to be in such a lovely place where we don’t have to go to jobs and can spend all the time Yoko needs with her as her two adoring parents.

I continue to look forward, as always, and am anxious to get back into yoga, art, teaching Reiki and working with the rubybleu foundation but now with little Yoko alongside. After having two homebirths, I am even more impassioned with the idea that all women should have the opportunity to have an informed pregnancy and birth. Women should be encouraged to make choices based on knowledge about the birth process as well as their feelings regarding whom they want to assist their birth and how they would ideally like their environment. Days after Yoko’s birth, several local women approached Sassa, interested in the fact that she had assisted a birth at home. All of the women I have met here have little to no awareness about how birth works and why they would need the various interventions at the hospital. They simply accept the doctor’s word without question, paying the large fees without knowing how pregnancy, birth or their own body works.

In response to this issue, Leon and I are considering the idea to build a birth center, using the funds raised through the rubybleu foundation. Education concerning pregnancy and birth is dire in south India. Women are giving over their power as well as their money to the hospitals here each and every time they bring a new baby into the world. By providing a place that is dedicated solely to women that promotes pregnancy and birth awareness, women can begin to reclaim their inherent right to give birth naturally, comfortably in a way that is emotionally supported. The birth center would likely begin as an informational center which could eventually grow into a place to have naturally assisted births. An ideal birth center would be equipped with emergency western technology as well as natural options that would enhance the birth experience. The center would have to be run by Indian women doctors and midwives who would be willing to provide women the education necessary to have healthy pregnancies and, therefore, easier births. I am looking for doctors who are open to this idea and appealing to those who believe in the power of birth to continue supporting the rubybleu foundation. I am hoping that one day we may be able to use such a place to inspire women to begin the reclaiming process of their body, to relearn how to trust the wisdoms that reside within and thus affect change in women and children’s lives in a profound way.

Motherhood is intense—so much more so than I could have ever imagined. I am continuing to practice the art of surrender, realizing that pregnancy was only the preparation. I am approaching each day, each trying and blissful moment as a spiritual practice, evoking the powers of patience, strength and love. Deep gratitude resonates through me for what my mother did for me. I am amazed that little Yoko came from me, from us as she seems to emanate her own individuality as well. She is a blessing, a teacher, a little being with her own journey ahead of her. She is life anew and it is fascinating watch her grow and change, even just in her first few days. In many ways, I feel that life for me has now come full circle and I am able to give back what my mother so selflessly gave to me—the love and nourishment needed to become the person that I am today. I am proud to say that I can now add one more claim to my daily work, my daily practice besides artist, writer, and healer: MOTHER

Sweet October

2004-10-13T10:04:00.001+09:00

Hello again dear family and friends…

Since so many of you have been requesting updates on my pregnancy, coming baby, due dates, pictures and so on, so I felt compelled to respond with another letter, another blog for the website.

Firstly, I want to thank everyone for responding with such sincerity about my artwork. Getting a response to my work is crucial as an artist and writer. I find that the one vital aspect of life that is truly missing from my world here in Varkala is the lack of community in which people, artists and so on are responding to my work. Of course, that will shift and change as the season approaches, ushering in travelers of all kinds, old friends and newer connections.

The past two months have been quiet and laden with gorgeous sunsets, millions of colors rippling out across the sky, turning the sea crimson, purple and gold. The beach here is just beginning to come back, in that achingly slow manner of the tropics in which all moves gently and softly except of course the plants which grow so fast it leaves me astonished at times. When Leon takes a cutting of a banana tree and pops it in the ground, adds a bit of water, you will see brilliant yellow-green new growth a few inches high in just a few hours! You really can watch the grass grow here…it’s a magick all to its own.

As I sit, waiting for baby, admiring the glowing garden dancing Life’s mystery in the garden, the dappled sunlight splaying intricate patterns across the multi-colored plants, I realize I am learning the lesson of Patience. I have always been one to surf intensely fast through the waves of life, taking them on full throttle, riding them joyously with the feeling of the wind furling out my hair and of course, crashing occasionally, landing often. But these days, this past summer has been one of intensely slow time. It is a time, then to meditate, to surrender to the dance of Life, to allow Baby to grow and develop before the intensity of Birth. This is all preparation for our new little one who will need that patient, loving care as he begins his earth journey.

As for the Baby, Leon has told you already our names, but in case any of you missed out, a boy will be: Mojave Bela and a girl: Yoko Mojave Lotus. Either way the child will have my last name, Koda. When I thought of the name Mojave, it rang so true that I felt I had to give it to my child whether it’s a boy or girl. The name filled my heart with such a good feeling, a feeling of hope, magick, and vastness. I’ve always wanted to name my child after a place on earth and the Mojave is not only the name of a mystical desert, but also the ‘people of Spirit that live by the water,’ the Native Americans who traversed the vast beauty of southern California. Leon and I have both spent time in the Mojave and find it to be a place of rich, ethereal splendor…a place where I spoke with the Joshua trees and discovered they speak in cubes which inspired me to begin painting. A place where Leon has connected deeply with the earth, finding Death Valley in particular to be one of the most sacred places in america

So, little Mojave is ‘technically’ due sometime between October 27th and November 6th, you pick your favorite date, your best bet. My two different doctors and doula have different ideas about when this baby will descend and I, myself, am just hoping he’s not ten days late like Rubybleu was. But, of course this is possible, leaving us a wide open span of a month or so for when to expect our new arrival. No matter what, little Mojave will certainly come when he is ready, in his own time. Of course, all of you will know as soon as he pops out, but don’t hold your breath—it’s barely October!

In the meantime, we have decided to take action on another project with the Rubybleu Foundation. This week we met with Subhash Bose, the coordinator of the women’s Self-Help Groups that we are connected with here. He has chosen a woman to receive our first micro-loan that will enable her to start her own small business. She will use the modest sum to open a rolling tea shop. If you recall the last article I posted on our web site, it reports some of the information regarding micro-loans for women as a way to help make more money for their family’s need of food, clean water, education and health. The project is also sustainable in that as she pays back her loan, it accrues an eighteen percent interest which will go directly back into the women’s communal fund to aid the self-help groups as a whole. I will be writing a more extensive article about the micro-loan project, so remember to check our website, http://www.rubybleu.org/ for updates in the coming weeks.

I have come close to finishing my Cancer Chronicles, but have slowed down writing and painting considerably in my last months of pregnancy. Suddenly I find my mind drifting absently with the waving palm fronds and wandering clouds. Somehow it is an increasing struggle to focus on my work and I spend more time taking slow walks, doing yoga, meditating and simply staring at the garden. I did manage to complete a new painting for my Tarot series, the Empress, which I will attach along with the latest photos of Leon and me.

Many of you are coming to see us in the next few months and I want you all to know that I am so looking forward to being with family and friends, to show you this beautiful land we live in and to have you stay in our lovely little home. As Leon mentioned, we are always in need of some OFF mosquito repellent and tea tree essential oil so if you throw those items into your pack before setting off to this wild, crazy land of India, we will be grateful. In the meantime, those of you still undecided about whether or not to visit, I encourage you all to take the steps out of america, so that you may glimpse something new, challenge your soul, look back upon and reflect on the land from which you came. We’ll be here…

Take care!
Much love,
Katalin

2004-07-08T22:27:00.001+09:00

Ripening

High summer is moving along, swindling its golden afternoons to my delight, embracing my skin with a quiet softness. Of course, living in south India is a perpetual summer of sorts and I should say rather, it's mid-mango season, mid-monsoons, mid-pregnancy. Things are indeed ripening both inside and out. Summer solstice has passed, and I gave my offerings to Yemaya, the Goddess of the sea, under a misted morning adorned with a full rainbow at sea. She, Yemaya, is wild and passionate these days, frothing gray blues and greens on windswept crests. Even the hearty fishermen do not dare venture into her wily waves and dangerous currents. The beach has completely disappeared, been sucked out with an oceanic frenzy, leaving the cliff to bear the constant barrage of endless tides. The full moon has passed as well and I sit in my airy studio, looking out at green and yellow jungly mayhem growing before my watchful eyes, hear the eagle's cry, the twitching bats and the crow's cacophony. Inside my womb, the new one, the little one pulses and stirs with eager Life, embracing my heart with Hope as the days, although achingly slow still slip by like sand through fingers, like sunsets over ancient horizons.

The rubybleu foundation continues to grow, thanks to your kind donations, and lead Leon and I on new, unexpected adventures. Through a contact from England, we met an Indian social worker named Subhash Chandra Bose who has started women's self-help groups in several villages south of Varkala, where we live. We went to visit the communities last week and were inspired by the women's active participation and drive to make changes. They live in poverty-stricken environments that lack clean sanitation and water and rely on a very low income from their husbands to get by. In forming these self-help groups, Subhash has inspired the women to learn their rights and find a voice amongst the deafening silence of oppression. These villages are a harsh example of ancient India crashing headlong into the modern age. The women are finding it increasingly hard to get by on their men's wages and have begun looking for their own sources of financial income. The rubybleu foundation will be supporting the group by offering small grants to women that will allow them to take a Windows computer course at a discounted price. Our hope is that the women will use this opportunity to further their education and skills in an ever-increasing modernized world. Other projects are also underway including micro loans for the women, skills development and intentions to bring in health and education volunteers. For more information on this project and others that are happening with the self-help groups, check out our website at www.rubybleu.org

Meanwhile, at the rubybleu house and gardens, we are using this slow time to continue our own projects. The organic gardens are beginning to look amazing, truly gorgeous. Leon uses his plant wisdom to create art with his precious 'babies' as he fondly calls the plants. He is always picking out newer, stranger, more wondrous flowering bushes and plants to fill the earth. We have orchids, Buddha bellies, ferns, hibiscus, papaya and banana trees just to name a few that you might be familiar with. One of the most extraordinary aspects of the garden are the various tropical vines that he has either bought or grown from seed that creep along strings around the house, up to the roof, blooming brilliant pink, purple or white flowers. I have become so inspired that decided to forget the fact that I've killed every plant I've owned and even plant a few seeds myself. Along with taking up reading Organic Gardening by J.I. Rodale, I find myself racing out to my small patch of spinach, lavender and basil to see if any seeds have sprouted yet. Gardening is fun!

My time is also devoted to Yoga, writing and painting these days. I've finished half of my book, tentatively titled The Cancer Chronicles, an autobiography of my journey of chemotherapy for Hodgkin's disease when I was nineteen years old. As you may know, thus far Slade has received one big fat rejection and is perched, ready to dive back into the world of submissions once again. I am also working on painting the Major Arcana of the Tarot with a kind of cosmological, feminist bent. Lots of swirls and androgynous beings and brilliant colors. Some of my recent paintings will be showcased on http://spiralmuse.com/art_home.html in the next couple of months. Leon is working on his infamous music collections, avidly turning analogue into digital with a few complaints about the fallibility of music software and the digital sound.

This is a time of expectancy, of waiting. I am waiting for baby. I am waiting for the season to begin. I am waiting for family, friends, and travelers who will again traverse our doorstep, seeking rest and knowledge and joy. After the birth, I plan to resume practicing and teaching Reiki with one or more assistants during the season. I am offering courses in Reiki I and II and may do some individual Yogic teaching as well. Leon and I welcome you to come for a visit in our lovely home, alongside the gorgeous Indian Ocean. If you are interested in any aspect of what we are doing or want information about us and/or the rubybleu foundation, please contact me at katalin@rubybleu.org

Take care this summer, do a wild dance for me and have joyous celebratory affairs, dear ones!

Katalin

2004-05-01T13:57:00.002+09:00

Hey all… Firstly, let me wish you a joyous May Day, Beltane that is, and for those of you old friends, just think back to Come As Your Madness and you’ll be refreshed. For everyone else, let your hair down and your hips swing on this newest day of Pagan summertime. It is a time of retrieving your sexuality and letting her out to air. I’ll be painting with eggshells and doing a wild dance on the roof under moonlight tonight to honor the Goddess and her welcome compatriot, the God of Fire and Light.

I am finally back in sweet, soft Varkala and feel like I never left. The timeless ocean just lulls one back into the effortless life of Being. Of course, Leon’s magical garden helps with its glorious multitude of greens, brilliant red and orange flowers and an outgrowth of radishes. They’re huge! And so is Goba, our dog. She’s gone into heat so we’re a bit wary of her lifestyle these days—no puppies for her! We have several guests now: recent ashramites…somehow we seem to attract the Sivananda yoga people after each Teacher Training Course and Yoga Vacation ever since I did my course at Neyyar Dam. There seems to be a sort of special karmic connection which keeps yoga alive and steady on our rooftop twice a day. I’m eating fresh fruits and doing my own special yoga as well. Since I am now almost fourteen weeks pregnant, (yay!) I’ve started modifying my practice.

The States was a really intense whirlwind of Doing for me. I taught a Reiki workshop in San Francisco. Two of my students I knew, one an old friend, miss Emily Becker and another a new friend from my teacher training at Sivananda, Camron. The workshop went really well. It was an all day intensive that included the four attunements for Reiki One as well as working with the Reiki healing technique with a look at the Chakra System. My students said I looked like a cherub in all white, young and wise. The class was held at the SpiralMuse house in San Francisco and I encourage any of you who live in the Bay area to swing by and check it out. It is a house full of incredible, powerful women who are bursting at the seams with creativity and out to truly change the world. For the rest of you, who are far from SF, check them out at www.spiralmuse.com Women connecting more women...

I traveled back to the east coast where I spent time with family and friends and working furiously on the third draft of my novel: Slade: The Seven Nuances. Starting the work at Grandpa C’s on his ancient computer, continuing at my dearest friend Desiree’s apartment in Brooklyn where the clouds were gray and the city pulsed earth gone urban under my feet, I finally finished the work back at my parent’s. I sent the manuscript off, the entire 468 pages, to an editor’s desk in New York and hope to hear from him in the next six months. New York was cold and ancient, seeping her sparkly, chaotic rhythm back into my blood, but fainter this time. I have spent so many days walking the streets that city in the past but this time I heard her only softly. I guess I’ve become too addicted to the nature. Although, the city did reawaken my passionate urge to paint which I am now doing in my studio in Varkala: female figures, layers and inks. I also found out I was pregnant in New York, and smile remembering the look on Desiree’s face as I told her. Through all her tiredness of surviving in the city, creating in the off hours, a wondrous glow spread across her face that surely mirrored mine.

My parents were wonderful to see and I also had the rare treat of visiting with my aunt and cousins from Riverside. We spent some time in D.C. at the art museums and had some lovely meals together. I managed to see my oldest friend Bridgette and present her with her wedding sari that I bought here, in India. She picked out the one she wanted from my digital pictures and I chose it with care in the sari shop. We dressed her up in it and she looked AMAZING. Her wedding will be a special day. Other dear friends graced my days, and I had some good times over tapas with Regina and Lauren and looking at ancient Buddhas with Craig. The time was short, fleeting and I felt I had to rush back to California before I’d barely had a chance to tap into that deep level of familial love and friendship with the people that I care so much about.

Back in Cali, I held the second Rubybleu Foundation fundraiser with the help of Matthew, Emily and Melissa. It was held at Matthew’s cottage where we sold his gorgeous pottery and some lovely fabrics that I brought from India. The affair was rather small, as many people were busy on Easter weekend, but we managed to raise over seven-hundred dollars, mostly due to the generous contribution of the Boddum family. The Rubybleu Foundation IS growing and we now have plenty of money to contribute to our next project. Also, we’ve launched our new website! Check it out at www.rubybleu.org. The website was designed and created by Jennifer from www.chaotech.com. She has been extraordinary in getting this up for us, feeling the vision from across the globe and manifesting it to the best of her ability. I admire her and strongly recommend her if you are in need of a website. Stay tuned because the website will be updated in the next couple of weeks. I also signed up on www.blogger.com where you can find this letter and my upcoming blog entries at www.rubybleu.blogspot.com

After running like crazy for five days in Cali, including a wild, freaky dance party that my body much needed, I left San Francisco in mid-April and traveled back to Asia to spend a week with my sister in Malaysia. She has been living in Kuala Lumpur for the past year and we had a fabulous time trekking about the city. The food is excellent, truly divine and I got my fill of seafood, tofu and sauces to die for. The people are incredibly mixed: Malay, Chinese and Indian with over ten-thousand ex-pats and the intermingling over the years has resulted in an interesting masala of humans. They seem really open and my sister has several friends that are locals as well as ex-pats. She is doing marketing work and enjoying the high life of great food, a nice apartment and cool clubs for very little money. We also spent a day in Malaka, a major port city that was inhabited by the Dutch for some time. The hundred-year old quaint Chinese houses were wondrous, as I have never spent any time in Chinese culture besides Chinatowns in the U.S. Red lanterns, lucky cats, a couple of gorgeous Chinese boys and some pop music had me feeling like we had found our way into our own version of Lost in Translation. Again, we had more excellent food. We enjoyed a savory, peanut, sweet and spicy sauce that sat simmering in the middle of our aluminum table where we dipped in kabobs of fresh vegetables, tofu and shrimps. It was one of the best meals of my life! I had a fabulous time in Malaysia before heading back to my simpler life in India.

Overall, the trip was very exciting. I was overjoyed to find out I am pregnant and glad to be back in my home where I can cook my own foods, swim in the ocean, do my yoga and watch my belly swell. Funnily enough, I have very little fears concerning this child. I do feel he is a boy and am excited for his arrival. We will most likely birth the child in an excellent hospital that is less than an hour away. It is one of the best hospitals in Kerala and, unlike Western hospitals, has a much calmer feel to it. My gynecologist is the same woman who will also deliver the baby, no matter what time of night he is born. Unlike the west, there are less machines, less that feeling of a state of emergency that seems to pervade labor and delivery floors in the west, and an overall, sunny attitude. And they have all necessary equipment there if needed. I feel less attached to the birth this time. I would love to have a home birth and would like to put out there, that if anyone does know a midwife that would be willing to come to India for a few months to deliver my baby, I am open to this option. But the most important thing is this baby’s life journey which I hope is a lot longer than Rubybleu’s. I feel he is a quiet, dreamer, brilliance hovers as his life grows inside.

I encourage all of you to come for a visit when you can. I am continuously teaching Reiki and welcome new and old students. I am also working on my next book about my experiences with Reiki and the Chakra System. Yoga, art and new ideas are encouraged here along with great food and of course, Yemaya, the sea Goddess who rises endless, searing her vast, infinite beauty across my soul. As I said, we are seeking our next project for the Rubybleu Foundation and are open to any suggestions that you may have. We are also in need of someone to care for our Foundation on the western side of the world. This work would involve receiving and keeping track of donations and mailing in our minutes bi-annually. It should not be too much work, but we cannot, as yet, pay anyone for their time. If you are interested, please contact me at sister_fireheart@yahoo.com

I want to send some shout outs to all of you who welcomed me to sleep and live in your homes: Moses, Emily, Mom and Dad (of course), Desiree and Beth. A big thank you to SpiralMuse for hosting my Reiki workshop and for truly making the world a better place. Thanks to Jennifer for designing our website…how many times can I thank you for such art? I thank the Boddum’s for giving so much to our cause and Matthew for hosting our lovely little get together. Thanks to Mary Richerson for supporting the Foundation so much, for running around to the bank and doing all those nasty little paperwork jobs that make Rubybleu an incorporated organization. Thank you to all of you who have given your time and money to the Rubybleu Foundation, given us the wonderful little gifts that make us smile and have supported us with all your help. Keep smiling and keep making art cuz our little planet needs all the beauty she can get!

Much love to you all,
Peace,
Katalin